A Study on the Anal Insertion of Household Item

Posted on 07-23-2004 by fr0d
This is a short study on the effective use of everyday household items for anal masturbation. The purpose of this study is too inform the reader about advantages and disadvantages of shoving stuff they found under the sink up their asses.

Item 1: Drinking cups
Ease of Insertion: Due to the abundance of drinking cups of all shapes and sizes, the insertion process can range from extremely easy, such as the case of a shot glass, to extremely difficult, eg. a beer stein.
Safety Hazards: Be sure to only use plastic drinking cups, as glass can shatter resulting in an embarrassing trip to the doctors. Lubrication is also recommended, and insertion open side out results in a cleaner experience.
Personal Experience: I have never shoved a cup up my ass, but if it were one of those spider man cups from McDonalds with Kirsten Dunst on it, it would be tons less gay.
Overall Rating: 8 - JUST DO IT!
Random Google Image http://fuck-fist.com/pay-new-tgp.html

Item 2: Toilet Plunger
Ease of Insertion: A toilet plunger has a handle which is usually smooth and stubby. It is not recommended that one stick a toilet plunger, plunger first into ones anus, instead grab the handle, lubricate, and insert.
Safety Hazards: Most people store their toilet plunger next to their toilet. This can result in an unsanitary toilet plunger, thus it is recommended that one pour peroxide over the handle before inserting into the anus. Avoid wooden plungers as they can leave splinters.
Personal Experience: Never shoving a plunger up my ass I can't give you personal experience, but if you ask any NYC Detective you'd get a pretty good description.
Overall Rating: 9 - Cheaper then Draino
Random Google Image http://www.kurwy.org/data/media/6/20241.nun_plunger2.jpg

Item 3: Cheap Mexican Jewelry
Ease of Insertion: Due to the variation in size, shape, and texture of cheap Mexican jewelry, the ease of insertion is variable. Party beads are pretty popular these days, however avoid the ones with the square pieces or sharks tooth.
Safety Hazards: Most cheap Mexican jewelry contains lead. If concerned about lead contamination, insert a scandium rod up your ass. Scandium neutralizes the harmful effects of lead in the body.
Personal Experience: I hate Mexicans, and not many of them survive the cold Canadian winters.
Overall Rating: 3 - Like Eating at Taco Bell
Random Google Image http://www.latinapussypictures.com/img/mp02.jpg

Item 4: Pens, Pencils, Highlighters
Ease of Insertion: A lot of these devices are designed to by held by the hand, and as such are easily inserted into the anus. Avoid inserting the cap into the rectum, as it can come off and dislodge itself in your bowels.
Safety Hazards: Be Sure to use pens or pencils that are not required for a term test the next day as the smell permeates the plastic resulting in an embarrassing experience for everyone involved.
Personal Experience: Apparently Taffer and The Devon (Old OTF members) have pictures of Rudesmurf masturbating with a pencil. I cannot confirm, or deny, just thought it was kinda funny.
Overall Rating: 10 - Hit up office depot!
Random Google Image http://www.bettymeetsboris.com/comedy/images/smoking_ass.jpg

Item 5: Condiments
Ease of Insertion: Ketchup, for example, is a lot more viscous then vinegar. As such certain condiments are easier to insert up the ass then others. Consider using a funnel, or PVC tubing to make the insertion of condiments easier.
Safety Hazards: Hot sauce is generally not very rectal friendly, and the possibilities of a yeast infection in your asshole increase with the amount of sugar in your condiments. For safety reasons, use mayonnaise.
Personal Experience: I once went to a BBQ where someone put condiments on a burger in an extremely strange way.
Overall Rating: 6 - Can get Messy
Random Google Image http://www.femanic.com/pics/large/104-20.jpg

Item 6: Lawnmowers
Ease of Insertion: Extremely difficult, be sure to unplug all electrical connections, spark plugs, fuel supplies, or sharp objects.
Safety Hazards: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE TRY TO SHOVE A PUSH-MOWER UP YOUR ASS.
Personal Experience: I don?t cut the grass, my dad does.
Overall Rating: 1 - Just kill yourself already
Random Google Image http://www.winduptoygallery.de/windups/lawnmower.jpg
 

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