So there were some foreign exchange students here from France.
One of them was a good soccer player, so we tossed him a jersey and some cleats and he played for us in a rec soccer game.
The team we played was a really shitty high school varsity team, but since we're all rec soccer players, we aren't that good (it goes rec < club < premiere/high school < regional < national). We played them before, and they won 1-0, off a well set up cross --> header. We were sort of angry cause their keeper sucked donkey balls, and we just couldn't get past their defense for a goal.
We're all good enough to play club, but we never won much when we did, which is why we play rec. That and driving 3 hours just to lose a soccer game is really stupid. There are only a handful of us that actually show up to away games:
Julian, our trash talker (after-homecoming games are especially interesting when he's hungover and surly)
Toby, the quiet guy who can defend well
Me, I manage well enough but really it's my speed that is my only good point
Ashish, the 110-pound Indian kid who slips through everything
Peter, has a bad back but plays defense anyway
Oliver (explained later)'
Jamie (fast as hell)
D-mai (David) just good all around
Jordan, our keeper (and only)
Kyle, the best defender I've seen (he can take people down and make it look legit so easily, it's hilarious--there was one game where the ref didn't call a foul on someone he did it to, and they just grabbed the ball and assumed it was a foul--when the ref called the handball, he said "MY FUCKING ASS" and was carded)
Bryce, the guy who draws fouls very well. And falls down a lot anyway.
Hunter, the guy who scores. A lot.
On a good away game, that is late enough in the afternoon, maybe 9 of us will show, and Julian and Toby come about half an hour late. D-mai shows up when he isn't play waterpolo. Every single game we've played this season that was away, we played with at least one man down for the first twenty-thirty minutes until Toby and Julian realized that they had a place to go to.
Things went well for the first five minutes or so. We were oh-so close to a goal. Five minutes later, I think Frenchie (I never found out his real name) scored. He scored again two minutes later, but it was called off-sides (he did it off a header from a defender, no less). Then they scored, and we didn't really care much since we knew we'd probably win that day.
We returned play on their side of the field, and went through a series of about four corner kicks (block three times by goalies) before one goes in--it is blocked by the goalie, but not enough, and it bounces down instead of out. Their defender tries to head it out, but instead bats it forward to the middle again, where one of our players taps it in.
Five minutes or so later, Frenchie takes it into the corner of the penalty box...and is kicked in the small of his back by their left fullback.
He takes the PK and does a hilarious fake to the left while barely tapping it to the right. The other team isn't very happy (the goalie literally had time to get up and dive the other way before it went in).
Things start getting rowdy.
Opponent: #!@%!%!!Julian: SOMEBODY JUST GOT BEAT.
Opponent: Greasy fucking French kid.
Julian: Greasy like your mom.
Opponent: Well--I...I fucked your mom last night.
Julian: My mom's dead, asshole. *to opponent sidelines* Oh hey, mom.
Random mom on other team: What? Who're you talking to?
Julian: This kid here says he fucked you last night.
One person on our team, Oliver (aka Oi, ollie), trained quite a bit over the summer and plays considerably better than a good lot of us. He doesn't have fancy footwork, but once in a while he'll pull off some trick he found over the summer in a book, and it looks good. In the middle of the game, during one of their offenses, he steals the ball from two guys and is stuck in a rut; he's facing the outside and has nowhere to go. And he manages to leap over the ball, just barely tip it forward with his trailing foot as he spins around to change direction (faking out two people, and the five of us on the sideline plus our coach all go "OOOOOOoooooooOOOOO!!") and crosses it to Frenchie, who scores another goal.
Opponent (far away from ref): That fucking French dude, why is he here, he shouldn't be able to play.Julian: You're just mad because you got OWNED. *slaps opponent on the ass*
Opponent: Get the fuck off me and shut the fuck up!
Julian: Aww, did somebody forget their Vagisil?
Unfortunately, the ref calls it off sides again. Frenchie returns the kick, and is taken down from the front with a slide as he tries for another goal. I've never seen someone dupe that many players before. They're really pissed at him by now.
We get the kick (not PK) and Frenchie scores on an assist, but the ref calls a handball in the box by one of their players, which is odd because it gives us a PK, but not a goal. Frenchie misses, and they start off play with a goal kick again. Ball is returned by someone (I don't remember), and Frenchie gets the ball once again. This time, their right defender deliberately nails him right in the thigh with a kick. He's yellow carded. Kick is given, and one of our players scores with a header. They take kick off, and since they're pretty angry by now, they've gotten a bit faster and manage to set up a pretty damn good goal. Unfortunately for them, the shot is slow, and our keeper has the pleasure of jumping and catching while simultaneously giving the guy going for a header a nice elbow to the face.
Victim: You asshole, you elbowed me in the face.Jordan: I'm so sorry. Eat a dick.
At this point, it's not really soccer any more. In the next 15 minutes or so left in the game (I don't remember when the half was), there were six drop balls called because he couldn't tell who was pushing/kicking who, and by 8 minutes left, the ref stopped play and told us to come over. The defender who got a yellow card yelled something about how France was 'full of fags' and was subsequently carded again. He then warned us he'd eject anyone who didn't stand in a circle around him within the next minute or so and listen to his warning. Two more people on their team refused, mouthing off at the ref, and they were thrown out of the game and carded. He then says that he's about to abandon the game (to which the opposing side cheers--parents and coach included).
However, play resumes, and they try to score again (and fail). Frenchie gets a return ball off me (wild kick from within the fray at the goal box), and takes it past the two remaining defenders all the way to the goal--where their keeper dives out early, which Frenchie dodges but catches a foot on the keeper's nuts (oops). The keeper gets up and manages to get a few fingers on the ball before Frenchie scores. The goal is thrown out because the ref deemed that the keeper had control over the ball, and Frenchie kicked it out of his hands.
Julian takes the ball up the sides, and assists to Frenchie.
Play ends after Frenchie tries to bicycle kick and fails as someone goes for the header right before he starts the kick (he got the guy in the abdomen).
He got a yellow card, but whatever. Not like he's going to play here again.
Opponent: Hah! He didn't score!Julian: At least he's not ugly.
I don't even remember what the ending score was. Frenchie had at least 4 goals, a good lot of which were called off by the ref. I had one assist, I think. We had a lot of goals off corner kicks and headers. And of course Frenchie.