well, theres a lotta otfers here who probly havent read this one, so ill post it.
OTF Chronicles Episode 12: Spy Game
? 4/19/02, Plastic Man
Chapter 1 - Called Upon
Hello there, my name is Frod, and I am a freelancing spy. I used to live in the sea, but that?s just because I was hiding out from the IRS, FBI, and OTF. I haven?t paid taxes in 12 years, I went on a 6 bank robbing spree, and I spammed goatse. So anyway, I got a phone call, it was the video store telling me that I was late in returning ?The Penis Files,? and ?Fudgepacking for Dummies.? Then I got another call, it was a woman named Cat, someone stole a bunch of her electronics from her house, TV?s, stereos, computers, vibrators. She wanted me to help her find the guy that did this. So I was on the case.
Chapter 2 ? Meeting Up With Cat
When I arrived at Cat?s house I asked the usual questions. ?Are you wearing a thong?? wait, that?s not a usual question. And I didn?t ask Cat, I asked her husband, snow.
?It just so happens that I am, it makes me feel sexy,? snow responded.
?Anyway, I have a few questions,? I said. ?Where were you two last night when the items were stolen??
?We were at a John Tesh concert,? snow said. ?He sure rocked the crowd that night, didn?t he honey!? Cat smiled and nodded.
?John Tesh sucks, although he does have the ass of a stallion,? I said, going into a dreamy lapse.
?Uh, Frod,? Cat said, ?any more questions??
?Uh, yes, of course,? I said. ?What exactly was stolen??
?Our TV, stereo, computer, and Electri-Shock brand steel dildo,? snow said.
?Who would want your steel dildo?? I asked.
?Only a sick twisted person,? snow said.
?Ah, the irony?? I said quietly.
?What was that?? snow said.
?Uh, I said yo momma likes Snack Pack pudding.?
?Are you making light of my mother?s weight problem? Well I?ll have you know that she is in that Jenny Craig Weight Watchers program,? snow said.
?Well so is Monica Lewinsky, but does she look trim to you?? I said. ?In fact, your momma?s so fat, I put a tablespoon of water in the bath tub, she got in, and it overflowed! I?m here all week, folks!?
?I don?t think that?s very funny,? snow said.
?I do,? said Cat. There was something about Cat?She was pretty, she liked my jokes?She should just dump that loser snow and marry me?
?Any other questions?? snow asked.
?Yes, do you have any enemies?? I asked.
?Well, pretty much everyone on the block. You see, when we moved in we threw a block party, and I cooked hamburgers and sausages and whatnot. But I bought them in bulk from this guy off the street named Dark Star, and it turned out that they were contaminated with fecal matter, so everyone got E-coli and went to the hospital.?
?Well that?s a nice little story. Anyone in specific??
?There?s this guy at work, I accidentally chopped his arm off,? snow said.
?Do you have his address?? I asked.
?Yeah, here,? snow said and gave me the address. I would have asked how he chopped the guy?s arm off, but I wanted to get out of that house, it smelled like cheese or something.
Chapter 3 - The Main Suspect
I went to the address snow told me about. It was in the ghetto. The guy?s name was Surgeon General. I knocked on the door. ?Who is it,? Surgeon asked.
?Frod teh spy, open up!?
?Hold on,? Surgeon said, ?let me dispose of this cocaine first!?
?Ok!? I shouted. When he disposed of the crack, he opened the door.
?Can I help you?? Surgeon asked.
?Yeah, I could take a nice backrub,? I said.
?Sure thing,? Surgeon said. After the backrub, we got down to business. ?Do you know a ?snow???
?Yes, he chopped my arm off,? Surgeon said.
?Did you steal all his stuff?? I asked.
?Nope,? Surgeon said.
?Ok, I believe you,? I said, and left.
Chapter 4 ? Dead End
I realized that I didn?t have enough clues yet, so I returned to the scene of the crime. When I knocked on the door, no one answered, so naturally I knocked the door down and began investigation. After clearing out the refrigerator, and taking a 20-minute dump (why did they have to buy so many prunes!), I went upstairs. I were some mysterious noises that I had never heard before, they were coming from the bedroom. I cracked the door open and what did I see, but snow mounting Cat like there was no tomorrow. Apparently they didn?t notice me so I decided, hell, it?s free, and better than the peep shows on the internet, so I watched. I got some popcorn and coke from down stairs; I wanted the best movie atmosphere I could get. After they (and I) were done, they finally noticed me.
?What the hell are you doing!? snow yelled. ?That was my last can of Coke!?
?Don?t worry,? I said, ?I?ll pick up a 12 pack next time I stop by.?
?Oh, well in that case,? snow said, ?it?s all good.?
?Ok then, now if you folks will just proceed to leave the house, I have to do some more looking around.?
Chapter 5 ? The Search
I needed to find something that the robber left behind. So I started going through Cat?s closet and dressers. I thought that this was necessary for the success of the investigation. After trying on all her clothes, I came to the conclusion that Cat had really good taste. This discovery would allow me to?aw, who the hell am I kidding, I just wanted to wear Cat?s clothes because I have a women?s clothing fetish! Anyway, as I was going through the underwear drawer, I noticed a pair of men?s whitey tighties. This either meant that Cat had a men?s clothing fetish, or that these briefs belonged to someone else. They couldn?t have belonged to Cat after I noticed that the size of the briefs was 62. I didn?t even know they made them that big! So I used this discovery as an excuse to check out snow?s underwear drawer to see if he had and size 62s. After a thorough investigation in which I tried on many pairs of his underwear, I concluded that these size 62s did not belong to him.
I had to find out who owned the size 62s! Many hours of thought, investigation, analysis, and trying on underwear were ahead of me. I had to find out WHODUNNIT!
To be continued?