Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon. "Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!!"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets. His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?" With his last breath Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree, ees a ham bush!!"
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My? what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My? what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams "Will you fuck off, I'm trying to have a shit!"
A bartender is working his regular Friday night shift when a man whom he has never seen before enters the bar. The man is holding an apple in his hand. The man says to the bartender, "After years of experimentation, I have finally accomplished my biggest goal. Taste this apple. It tastes like a banana."
The bartender figures, what the hell? He takes a bite, and is absolutely amazed at the fact that this apple actually DOES taste like a banana. "Not bad," he says to the man, obviously impressed. "Turn it around," says the mysterious man. "The other side tastes like a peach. Sure enough, when the bartender bites the other side, it tastes like a peach.
"You know what would be great?" The bartender says. "You should invent an apple that tastes like a woman." The man ponders this, and seeming to like the idea, he runs out the door. A week later the man returns with a new apple to present to the bartender. "I did it! An apple that tastes like a woman! Try this!"
The bartender takes a bite of the new apple, and yells "This apple tastes like shit!" "Turn it around..." the man replies.
A young guy goes into a whorehouse and asks the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time... she sends him up and he meets this deadly blonde chick. She whips down her pants and he starts licking her twat. Minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a piece of corn. Thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before continues eating her out. Again a few minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth... still thinking this is normal he continues. Soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up. "Excuse me miss, but are you sick?" She looks at him and replies "no, but the last guy was!"