From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al Queda Fighters
Subject: The Cave
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come
together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad,
we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly, I have a few
concerns:
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we
should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid
excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep
the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota ... have you? I've
posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal
toaster).
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to
scare the shit out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that
while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or
keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.
Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on
the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices
were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance
ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy
Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.
Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA F*CKS DONKEYS" on the group toilet
wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself
at the edge of the mountain.
Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that
the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of
the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey
area.)
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying
to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First
patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.
Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.
PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut
it out, it's not funny anymore